


Let Me Shelter You, Old Friend

by D_f_m22



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-21
Updated: 2018-01-21
Packaged: 2019-03-07 19:40:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13441932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/D_f_m22/pseuds/D_f_m22
Summary: Missy finds she always has a home with the Doctor, no matter what.





	Let Me Shelter You, Old Friend

**Author's Note:**

> Another piece from my old laptop. Set between series 9 and 10
> 
> Lots of angst. Lots of hurt. Lots of comfort.

The Doctor knew it was going to be bad when he found her. She had meticulously set up a web of defence shields to ensure she would be alone. Solitude was what she wanted, but it wasn’t what she needed. Not when she was like this. So he had set about dismantling the shields, no small task. They were extensive and her skills were impressive. They always had been during the Academy days but had improved even more with each of her devious plans. It had taken longer than he had hoped, but eventually his Tardis had landed on a rather unremarkable planet that was made up predominantly of beaches. The temperature was bitingly cold, with an arctic wind nipping at his bare skin as he scanned the horizon for Missy. Whenever it was the other way around, Missy searching for him, it was always Earth. Any country, any time and whenever he was back to his usual self she mocked him for it endlessly. For her, it was always somewhere like this- a cold, coastal location anywhere but Earth. Whenever she returned to her normal self, he would tease her for the arctic climate ( “You should rename yourself the Ice Queen, not the Queen of Evil.”) and blame it for the cold he had picked up. 

 

Out the corner of his eye, he caught sight of her sat on a damp rock, facing away from him and staring out at the waves. Dark hair blowing in the wind, it was even more wild than usual and when the wind rested for a second, her hair settled around her shoulders like a lion’s mane. The Doctor smiled to himself, relishing in the effect that the salt air had in enhancing her curls and imaging running his fingers through her locks. Quickly remembering her vulnerable state, he chastised himself for such thoughts and returned to surveying the sight before him. From what he could see, she was rocking slightly on her perch and tapping the side of her upper thigh in a rhythm of four. The drumming. It no longer plagued her in this regeneration but she often returned to it for familiarity and safety. The Doctor had often seen her use it as a comfort at times like this, but he’d also seen them quickly consume her. She was scantily dressed, despite the cold, wearing only what remained of her mandatory prison uniform. Returning to the Tardis briefly, he retrieved a blanket for her. Glancing back at the vortex manipulator by the console, he decided to pocket it. Missy wasn’t going to come willingly and he had to get her back to his Tardis somehow. 

 

The Doctor recalled the last time the two of them had spent anytime together. It must have been about three months ago in relative time. He wondered how long it had been from her perspective. Much longer, he suspected. They had been on a planet made up of sentient plant mazes, it was a planet he had always wanted to visit and he was surprised when she had agreed to accompany him. It wasn’t the type of thing she usually went for, but he was pleased that she was making an exception for him. It had been late afternoon when she told him she would be going away and he wouldn’t be hearing from her for a while. That was nothing out of the ordinary, they could go centuries without hearing from eachother. What was strange was the way she had said it, unable to meet his eyes as she told him. They had been sat on the patio, sipping tea and overlooking the rolling hills of mazes that spread out across the vista. “Where are you going?” he had asked, turning to her and trying to get her to make eye contact with him. Deep down he knew, but he had to hear it from her. “Gallifrey. I’ve been called to stand trial for my crimes” she had replied, still looking out at the vista watching the sun set in the distance, casting beautiful shadows across the landscape. “But they’re still fighting the Time War over and over and over. They couldn’t possibly give you a fair trial in those conditions.” Missy had laughed bitterly, “exactly. There won’t really be a trial. They’ll lock me up and throw away the key. Well, maybe they’ll let me out for the occasional battle.” “Why don’t you just not go? It’s not like you to follow the rules anyway” the Doctor had asked, knowing his voice sounded desperate. He remembered how they had treated him, he knew her treatment was always worse. “They still have a psychic connection linked to my mind. If I don’t go willingly, they can drag me back. It’s not worth the mental torment” Missy confessed, as she had finally turned around to face him. It was then that he’d told her to call him when she got out, he had promised to be there in an instant. She had hesitated and told him she would contact him when she was ready. That had left him with no choice but to place a tracking serum in her tea when she wasn’t looking. The serum would activate in her bloodstream when she was free from Gallifrey and alert him to her location. He didn’t like going behind her back, but he had no other options. 

 

The alert had come in about an hour ago and now he found himself unsure of how to approach her. Walking over the pebbles, he approached her slowly knowing that by now she would be more than aware of his presence. She still didn’t acknowledge him, though. So, he continued forward, trying to ignore the scattering of bones and pools of blood that increased the closer he got to her. There had been a population on this planet then. That was before Missy had arrived and administered her special brand of chaos. The Doctor couldn’t abide by her actions, of course, but he knew that he couldn’t condemn her. Not now. She had needed to regain control and satisfying her blood thirst would have been her only release. It hadn’t worked, though. It never did. Now she was sat hollow, shaking and unresponsive on the defeated planet. Reaching the rock she currently inhabited, he lowered himself down to a seated position. Letting his legs dangle over the side, he watched as his feet sunk into the wet sand. It would be high tide soon, he thought to himself as seaweed latched onto his foot, before turning his attention back to Missy. 

 

Placing the blanket around her bare shoulders as he remarked, “it went as well as always then? They’re relentless Bastards.” He watched as Missy didn’t pull away from the newfound warmth of the blanket, as he had expected. Instead closing her eyes, she drew the blanket around her tighter. It was quiet apart from the waves crashing against the rocks and her fingers tapping the pattern of four against her leg. The Doctor noted the bruises and dried blood that covered her visible skin and wondered what other injuries he couldn’t see. “Missy?” he attempted again, after a few moments of silence. “Go away, I told you I’d contact you when I was ready. You’re not wanted here. Weren’t the defence shields enough of a hint that I want to be alone?” Her voice was small and hoarse, as though it hadn’t been used in sometime. “What you want and what you need right now are two very different things” the Doctor stated, placing his hand on her shoulder reassuringly but regretting it the moment she flinched away and pure panic flashed across her face. Memories only she could see consumed her and it made the Doctor want to scoop her up into his arms and never let her go. “Don’t touch me” she ordered through gritted teeth as the panic drained from her face and she remembered herself. Raising his hands in defeat, “I won’t hurt you. Never. It’s just me” he spoke softly, watching as she relaxed slightly but still retreated a little further away from him. 

 

They fell into an uneasy silence, the sounds of the crashing waves and the call of an odd seagull providing the only sound. Glancing overhead at the gliding gull, “you didn’t kill everything on the planet then” the Doctor commented, more to himself than anything. Missy didn’t respond and instead vocalised the drumming of four in the form of a whisper. “One, two, three, four” she repeated over and over. The Doctor felt guilty, his attempt at comfort had spooked her and he could see she was desperately clinging to her last shreds of sanity with her continual counting of the familiar pattern. From the way Missy was moving, he could tell she was injured and was going to do herself more damage if he didn’t get her inside soon. The sun was beginning to set and the temperature was rapidly creeping further into the negatives. If he could just get her onto the Tardis, he could give her some space to calm down in a safe environment before checking over her wounds. 

 

“Come on, let’s go back to the Tardis. You must be freezing. It’s nearly high tide and it’ll start getting dark soon.” He knew she’d object so reached into his pocket and retrieved the vortex manipulator. Missy, as predicted, shook her head, continuing with the repetitive counting “one, two, three, four. One, two-”. Slipping the manipulator around her wrist and tapping in the coordinates for the short journey to his Tardis, he teleported them both not giving her further chance for protest. The Tardis hummed to life at their arrival, adjusting her temperature to warm the two Time Lords. The Doctor turned to Missy, surveying her eyes that had dilated with both anger and mania. “Are you okay? Not the nicest form of travel, especially when you’re not expecting it. We had to come inside though, it was too cold out there.” Ripping the manipulator from around her wrist and throwing it at the Doctor, Missy let out a frustrated scream as she dropped her head into her hands and crumpled to her knees. He knew she wasn’t really angry at him. She was hurting and couldn’t express her pain in words. Taking two long strides and lowering himself to her level, careful not to touch her as he didn’t think she was ready, the Doctor spoke soothingly “come on now, it’s not that bad having to be on board with me for a while is it?” She looked up at him, accusingly “you made me lose count. I can’t lose count because then the order will stop and I won’t have a purpose. Then I’ll have space to remember and it hurts to remember. It hurts more than anything. I need- I need to remember the next number and keep the order.” Her breathing was becoming erratic and she didn’t seem to recognise who he was. Missy was worked up into a right state and it made the Doctor cringe. 

 

He hated seeing her like this- in her desperate pursuit for control, her mind had slipped away from her. What was it that she didn’t want to remember? He mused, knowing he could have a good guess. “Missy, look at me, you’re okay.” Lifting her head, Missy didn’t manage to maintain eye contact, but he continued anyway. “You’re safe here, you don’t need to count the drums. You’ll still have a purpose- I need you and if you do start to remember things, I’ll be right here with you.” “No, no, no. You idiot, I need to finish counting” she all but shouted as she jumped back up to her feet, wincing slightly as she held her ribs, before she began pacing. “You were on number two, Kos” sighed the Doctor resigning himself to the fact that, for the time being at least, it was best to let her have her way. He watched as Missy retreated further away from him, into the corner of the console room, frantically resuming her counting “three, four. One, two, three four.” 

 

Walking over towards the stairs and taking a seat on the first step, the Doctor kept Missy in his line of vision. It looked as though she was in the middle of a manic episode, triggered by her time on Gallifrey. From past experience, he knew these could last hours, even days. Sometimes, it was worth sedating her and if he hadn’t already got her safely onto the Tardis that would have been his only option. But now she was safely on board, it was probably best to wait it out. The sedatives came with a long list of side effects to be avoided if possible. She was safe and could do little harm to herself or him now they were inside. The physical injuries were concerning, but weren’t life threatening, so for now it was best to let her ride it out while he kept an eye on her. She was still counting repetitively but was now sat down and her breathing was more settled. Last time he had witnessed one of her episodes, he recalled that writing down the thoughts that she couldn’t express had helped. At the very least, it would help her to externalise some of her more negative emotions. 

 

Retrieving a pen and old notebook from the cupboard to his left, he made his way slowly towards her. As he got closer, he was pleased that he could no longer hear her counting the drumming aloud. Returning, instead to tapping her finger against her thigh as she had been doing earlier. Crouching to her level, he placed the notebook and pen in front of her. “This helped last time. Do you remember? You can use it to write down what you’re thinking. What it is that’s bothering you. I’m not going to crowd you, I’ll be over there reading, keeping myself busy, but if you need me I’m there” he spoke reassuringly, keeping his distance as she still appeared jittery and unsure of him. Missy didn’t respond but did take the notebook, pen in hand, opening it up to the next blank page. The Doctor watched as she began to frantically draw out the intricate spirals of ancient Gallifreyan. “I’ll go and get you a glass of water and then I’ll be over there by the stairs.” Returning with the water, he watched as her head lifted and eyes narrowed, “ I’m not having that water. I can’t trust you. I know what your plan is and I’m not going back there.” Placing the plastic cup in front of her, he began to repeat his earlier reassurances. “You don’t need to drink the water, it is just there if you want it. I won’t force you to do anything. But you can trust me, there’s no plan. Just one friend helping another, okay?” “No, no you’re not my friend” she started, faltering as she met his eyes. “They did this before. They pretended to be the Doctor. He looked just like you, but he was wearing Rassilon’s glove and he hurt me over and over and over. That’s not the Doctor, he doesn’t like violence and doesn’t use it. Not even if I’ve done something that really deserves it. I fell for it then. I won’t fall for it again” she said resolutely before returning to writing in the notebook “I’m only here until I find a way out and my head doesn’t feel so fuzzy.” So, they had pretended to be him and tortured her. That would explain some of her reluctance around him. “I know you won’t believe me but it really is me this time. Look around, you’re in my Tardis and we’re nowhere near Gallifrey.” She didn’t look back up at him, but did appear to take in her surroundings, “we...yes we are in the Tardis but I don’t know. I don’t understand. Stop confusing me. Just show me your hands.” The Doctor held out his hands obligingly and watched as she scanned over them. Maybe she was starting to believe that it really was just him, “It is me, honestly. I will give you some space. But, like I said, I’m over there if you need me” he said gently as he walked back to his place on the steps. 

 

Looking at her from over the top of the book he was pretending to read, he could tell she had calmed down considerably. It had taken several hours but she was now sat still in her corner. There were a scattering of loose papers that she had ripped out of the notebook forming a circle around her. Each page was covered in lines of Gallifreyan text with the occasional sketch of what looked like Rassilon or High Council members. The Doctor would be looking over those sketches more thoroughly as soon as he was able to get them in his possession. Every so often, he had seen Missy looking up at him albeit a little cautiously. Then about five minutes ago she had sniffed the water he had given her, taking a sip of it not long after. It was then that he heard her voice break through the silence, addressing him directly for the first time since they had returned to the Tardis. “Doctor?” she had half cried. The Doctor’s eyes shot up and he made his way rapidly, but calmly, over to her corner, “yes, Missy?” he responded watching as she rose to unsteady feet. He took the opportunity to collect some of the discarded papers up, placing them in his pockets. “It is really you, isn’t it? It’s not a trick.” He nodded, holding out his arm should she wish to take it but still cautious of scaring her off. It was hard to know how to get the balance right but she looked as though she was starting to regain a better sense of reality and her surroundings. As soon as he nodded, she practically collapsed into his arms sobbing. “I’m sorry. I should have believed you. I was so mean. Don’t leave me please. I didn’t mean it and I don’t want to be on my own again” she rambled on, burying her head against him. 

 

Encasing her firmly in his arms, he whispered consoling words into her ear while rubbing soft circles along her lower back. “shh, shh. You weren’t well. Anyway, I’m used to you being a lot meaner than that. I’m not going anywhere but why don’t we go somewhere a little more comfortable? I have a new sofa in the living room you’d be one of the first to try it out. What do you say?” Missy didn’t say much, clinging onto his jacket and burying her face as close to him as she could while crying something incoherent. This was the stage that always followed her mania- the crying, the clinging and the panic. “Come on now, I can’t hear you when you’re mumbling into my jacket” the Doctor said gently, like one would talk to a child with a grazed knee as he tilted her face up to look at him. “Now, shall we go and find that sofa?” Missy looked up at him with red-rimmed eyes, nodding “yes, yes I want to come with you please” and quickly returning her head back into his shoulders. He hated seeing her this way, she always tried so hard to keep her emotions in check after time spent on Gallifrey but could never quite manage it. She’d be embarrassed about the state she’d gotten herself into when she started to return to normal and he’d try to reassure her. “Everyone needs some help sometimes” he’d often tell her, but she rarely listened. There were other times that she wouldn’t even remember how bad she’d been, but that was more after her manic phases than anything else. “Okay, come on then” he said taking her hand and leading her into the living room. As soon as they both sat down on the sofa she latched back on to him, curling up at his side. They stayed like this for a while, Missy letting out occasional cries while the Doctor attempted to soothe her. At least now she was aware she was with him and not Rassilon or fighting in the Time War. Looking over the bruises and cuts to her face that trailed down her neck and collarbone, the Doctor wondered if he could start to clear some of them up. “Missy, can I clean up some of your wounds?” he asked gently trailing fingers across a particularly angry looking bruise that painted her left cheek. She winced slightly under his touch and shook her head “not right now. I just want to rest for now.” The Doctor accepted that, noting that they didn’t seem to be bothering her too much. “Okay. Do you have any other, more serious injuries I should know about though?” He asked as he began stroking his hand through her hair. “My ribs hurt a bit, I think they might be broken and my shoulder feels like it could be dislocated.” She listed it off expertly, like someone who was used to such injuries. Time Lady, she may be, but those injuries were still serious. The Doctor marvelled at how she had been able to get herself to the planet earlier and kill all its inhabitants. He imagined, given her subsequent manic episode, adrenaline had something to do with it. “Let me help you reset your shoulder, not right now, but in a little while. You can’t keep walking around with injuries like that.” Missy nodded “do you have some pain relief too?” She asked hopefully, relieved when he nodded “yes, but I’ll have to go to the medbay for that. Can you wait or did you want me to go now?” “I can wait” she responded predictably, he didn’t think she was going to let him get too far away from her at the moment. They fell into a comfortable silence and for a minute, when he felt her breathing even out, he thought she had fallen to sleep. Glancing down at her, he discovered she was still very much awake, eyes unblinking and staring straight ahead. The repetitive counting from earlier ghosted her lips silently and the Doctor realised she was still considerably unstable. They had both always had depressive tendencies and he could tell that Missy was on the verge of falling into her black hole. 

 

Deciding it was best to keep her talking, he hesitantly broke the silence, “was this time the worst it has been in a while?” he found himself asking, unsure of whether or not she would reply. He felt her head nod in his lap, “yes. The worst it’s been in the longest time. They are replaying the Time War, but it’s stuck in the state it was at the end. There’s no winning, it is just bloodshed. Rassilon’s mad with power and anyone who goes against that power has to face his wrath. You wouldn’t be in his good books” added Missy, with a failed attempt at a laugh that quickly descended into a sob. “I can’t remember the last time I was in his good books. I’m not sure I ever really was” the Doctor mused, stroking her forehead gently in an attempt to placate her. Running his fingers over her temple, he tried to bring forward warmer, more comforting thoughts. It was no use, though, as he was just met with darker thoughts and negative energies. Her mind was being swamped by bad memories and black shadows and it was no use trying to break them down at this moment. Cringing as his realised his attempt at reassuring telepathy backfired he whispered, “I’m sorry, I thought it might help a little.” Feeling her shuffle uncomfortably and let out a pained whine, it was clear it hadn’t helped at all. Deciding it wasn’t worth causing her extra distress, he resumed stroking her forehead opting to provide what comfort he could in the physical realm, relaxing a little as he felt her settle back into his arms. The soft touch of his fingers seemed to be helping a bit. “I don’t imagine you were in his good books either?” he said after a while, picking up where they had left off. “Gallifrey’s most infamous child? Oh yes, I was public enemy number one” she confirmed, taking in a deep breath as though to steady herself. 

 

The Doctor knew he was going to have to ask her about exactly what had happened. If he didn’t, she would let it fester causing herself more damage and lead her onto a warpath of damage and chaos. He let his mind wonder briefly back to the bloodbath he had found on the planet of beaches earlier. If only he had managed to reach her a bit earlier maybe he might have been able to save some of their lives. The Doctor wasn’t naive enough to believe that he could stop her committing horrific acts. He knew that, by this stage, it was in her nature. But he did know the difference between one of her malicious plans and one that was an attempt to regain control. If he could just get her to open up, even a little, he might be able to prevent one of her more avoidable genocides. It wasn’t just about saving other lives, either. He loved her and couldn’t bear to watch her go through this hell on her own. 

 

The Doctor didn’t want to rush her into talking about her latest experience on Gallifrey. She had only just calmed down enough to even manage to talk and she was still walking the fine line between mild insanity and complete instability. He wished he had some magic way of making it better. He was drawn from his train of thought when Missy broke the silence. “I’ll try and get better soon” he heard her say meekly, feeling a pang of guilt in his hearts, “you haven’t got any humans with you at the moment, have you?” The Doctor shook his head, dreading to think what Jo or Martha or Clara or any of the others would think if they could see him now. All of them had understood that he had a complex relationship with the Master, the type of relationship that couldn’t really be defined in a human cultural context. Jo had witnessed their friendship and Martha and Clara had seen how unstable his oldest friend had become in their latest incarnations. Even so, he didn’t think they’d respond well to Missy being on board at the same time as them. “No humans here, just you and me. Take as long as you need. I just wish there was something I could do. Tell me what I can do to help.” At that, Missy turned over onto her back, gritting her teeth as the sudden movement hurt her dislocated shoulder. Head still resting in his lap, she looked up at his face “there’s nothing more you can do. Just being here is enough.”

 

The Doctor nodded, noticing that her eyes were still red and puffy from crying but no longer manic. Instead they had taken on a far away glaze. “Are you tired?” He enquired, though he imagined she was still too wired following her earlier episode to actually sleep. Predictably, she shook her head and the Doctor did have to concede she didn’t look the least bit tired. Distant and injured, yes, but not tired. Missy’s sleep was sporadic and unless she was really exhausted, she wouldn’t bother with it. “Okay, but tell me if that changes. Even if you just want to rest your eyes while we lay here.” She nodded up at him and attempted to smile but it was too strained to pass as genuine. Fresh tears formed in her eyes and he watched helplessly as she turned towards him scrunching herself up as small as possible and gripping onto him in a way that was almost painful. “No, no, no. Be stronger than this” he heard her scold herself. “Don’t be so harsh on yourself. Not long ago, you wouldn’t look me in the eye. Don’t try and rush things now. There’s no need to, we have all the time in the world here.” The Doctor spoke gently as he pulled her back and brushed a stray curl away from her face. 

 

“Will you tell me what happened when you were on Gallifrey?” She shook her head closing her eyes as if by doing so she was closing herself off from the situation. “You can’t keep it all inside. You know that, don’t you?” “I know” she conceded. “Then talk to me. It’s just the two of us” he pressed on. “I can’t say the things out loud because then they become real outside of my head.” “They’re already real Missy. It’s all already happened and if you don’t talk about it, it’ll eat away at you. You’re just telling me, no one else. Just like you told me your secrets when we were children and I told you mine” he smiled encouragingly watching as she sat up, cross legged and facing him. “It’s really tough” she confessed, her breathing becoming more ragged, “I don’t know where to start.” The Doctor could tell she was working herself up to a panic attack. If she was going to get into this state, it might be worth leaving the conversation for now. Or, he could try and guide her into the discussion. “Just breathe, Missy. You told me earlier that they morphed into my form and hurt you. Why don’t you tell me about that?” He coaxed, watching as she struggled to steady her breathing “yes, yes. That happened. I can’t believe I fell for it. What would you have been doing there? It doesn’t make any sense and I still fell for it” she laughed breathily at herself, combing a shaky hand through her hair. “They would have used mind tricks, you know that’s what they do. What did they do to hurt you?” The Doctor asked tentatively in an attempt to get her to expand as he took her hand. “They had Rassilon’s glove. You know the one that he used for disintegration?” He nodded his recognition, allowing her to continue “well obviously they didn’t use it for disintegration on me. They used it to torture me into submission. Punish the fight out of me. Then they were able to send me into battle without having to worry that I’d turn against them and escape.” She detailed monotonously. 

 

“How did you get out? Did they let you go or did you find a way out?” He asked, brushing his thumb over her still shaking hand. “I got quite badly injured and they thought I was going to die on them. They couldn’t afford to lose me, not with the way the war is going. Anyway, when they were about to take me to the hospital wing I took it as my chance to escape. It really is quite remarkable that after all this time they’re still stupid enough to trust me.” She added proudly. “Your survival and escape skills are unparalleled. You’re not indestructible, though. Let me reset that shoulder for you now otherwise you’re going to do yourself some more damage. I can do it without pain relief, but think it would be better for you if I went to get some. I will only be two minutes, do you want me to go and get some?” Missy looked at him and then around the room, “you’ll really only be two minutes?” she whispered after her consideration. “Yes. Promise.” “Okay, then I’d really like some pain relief” she requested, seemingly deciding that she would be comfortable waiting on her own for a short period of time. “I’ll be right back” he said as he walked off to retrieve the medicine. When he reached the medbay, the Doctor went straight for a morphine like medication patch that could be absorbed via the skin. He knew it would provide immediate relief and no side effects. 

 

Returning to the library, he watched as Missy’s face relaxed upon seeing him. “Here we go” the Doctor said as he pressed the patch onto her forehead, waiting a few seconds before easing her into a sturdy seated position in front of him. “Has that worked at all” he asked, cautious of attempting to reset the dislocation without it being numbed. Missy nodded, “have you ever reset a bone before?” she asked apprehensively. “Yes, many times” the Doctor confirmed, leaving out the fact that he had reset her bones many times. Placing his hand over her shoulder and collarbone, “are you ready?” he asked, “just get it over with” she told him. Swiftly, he clicked the joint back into place watching as she bit down on her lip drawing blood as she let out a pained yelp. Missy was accustomed to pain, he knew, but it didn’t make it any easier when he saw her experiencing it. He watched as she leaned forward onto his chest and let out a breath. Rubbing her back softly he reassured her quietly, “that’s over, well done. It should heal on it’s own now.” Lifting her head slowly she muttered her thanks as she rested her head back on the arm of the sofa. 

 

The Doctor joined her back on the sofa, “you were telling me about Gallifrey. Do you want to carry on?” “No. There’s not much more to say. It was all the usual mind tricks, torture and that special punishment from the Acad-” Missy cut herself off there, pupils blown wide and the Doctor knew exactly why. She never initiated conversation about the Academy’s special punishments and she looked shocked at herself for doing so. Tactfully, the Doctor chose to brush over the comment even though they both knew he had heard it. “Don’t shut down on me. I can feel you’re still hurting” he said, grimacing as he traced his finger tips over her forehead and still was met with dark thoughts. “No, this much was hard enough” she said dryly “I wrote some things down earlier. I don’t know if they’ll make much sense but I’m sure they’ll satisfy your morbid curiosity.” The Doctor was taken aback by her snipe, moving away from her as he remembered her volatile nature. “I’m sorry. I know you’re trying to help. I shouldn’t have snapped” Missy apologised quickly, eyes widening as she tried to prevent the Doctor from moving too far from her. “It’s okay” he reassured. “I have the notes here” he said as he reached into his pocket to retrieve the scraps of paper from earlier “will you at least try and talk me through some of them?” Missy nodded, “I’ll try, but afterwards would you wait for me while I have a bath. I feel dirty but I don’t want to be on my own” she confessed, chewing her bottom lip anxiously. “This isn’t about compromises and negotiations, Missy. Not with something like this ” So much of their relationship was about trying to get one up over each other and eventually having to meet in the middle, it was natural that they would return to those similar patterns. Why don’t you have a bath and I’ll read through the notes while I’m waiting for you and if I have any questions, I’ll ask. I only want to know so I can help you. When Clara died and after being trapped in that bloody castle, you told me I needed to talk about it and you listened to me. Let me listen to you now, please.” Reluctantly, Missy seemed to agree, making her way off the sofa. 

 

The walk to the bathroom was taking longer than the Doctor anticipated. The extent of Missy’s injuries became apparent on the short walk and she was having to take regular breaks. “Just a minute. I just need to stop for a minute” he heard Missy call out with ragged breath from where he was walking just a little ahead. Turning around, he cringed as he watched her painfully cough and hold her ribs.“Missy, please, just for tonight leave your pride at the door” he said, carefully ignoring her earlier breakdown. “You’re more hurt than you said you were. Let me help you, just lean your weight on me” he said gently as he looped his arm around her waist. Missy seemed to accept his help as she leaned her weight onto him. 

 

They walked a little further in silence until Missy spoke again “I’m intelligent. I’m the most intelligent person you know.” The Doctor looked at her, she had said these words to him many times before but never normally in this way. Usually it was a malicious assertion, her way of mocking him and his ‘stupid apes’. This time it was nearly a question. “You are, yes. It’s often misguided but you are incredibly intelligent. I’ve told you before that you could do spectacular things with your mind.” Missy scoffed, but her indignation was lost as she winced with a shaky breath “I do do spectacular things. Just because you don’t agree with them doesn’t mean they aren’t spectacular.” The pair pause for a moment as Missy shifts her weight. “Anyway” she begins, as they start off down the corridor again “I wasn’t saying that to start an argument, we could argue over the pros and cons of morality for centuries. I was just thinking. It doesn’t matter how intelligent a person is, there are always some things they don’t understand. There are some things I don’t understand” Missy trailed off, as the Doctor opened the bathroom door and led her in. 

 

For a minute, he considered teasing her asking her whether this was an admission that she didn’t know everything but the pensive look on her face warned him against it. Instead, he pulled the toilet seat down and helped her to sit down. The Doctor worried as he took in her paled features and the way she appeared to be starting to drift. “Rest here for a minute while I run the bath. No one can ever understand everything, not even you. I know you’ve always struggled with accepting that. Was there anything in particular you don’t understand?” The Doctor asked running the water and looking over his shoulders at her, noticing that she had started tapping in a rhythm of four again. “Kos, why don’t you start getting undressed?” He suggested, hoping to distract her from the drumming, relaxing as he watched her comply. The Doctor tried not to look too shocked at the sight of her naked form. It was bruised, burned and bloodied. He noticed that Rassilon’s name had been carved into her upper thigh along with the words diseased and traitor scattered across her abdomen. Missy looked worryingly skinny, with her bones sticking out awkwardly. He wondered when she’d last eaten a proper meal and made a mental note that he would make her something substantial after her bath. 

 

“Theta” she whispered, almost to herself, breaking his internal train of thought. Sometimes it seemed so long ago that they went by those names, other times it felt like no time at all. Reaching her eyes, it looked as though she had been deep in thought turning something over in her mind. “Do you remember the punishments at the Academy? I don’t mean the usual detentions, I mean those special punishments.” It took the Doctor a while to realise that she had started talking Gallifreyan. It had been so long since anyone had spoken in their ancient language. It took him a little while longer to realise what she had said and it made him turn cold. “Your bath is ready. I remember, yes. Is that what you can’t understand?” He said softly as helped her into the bath. Missy sunk into the bath, nodding her head and resuming tapping the familiar pattern of four on the edge of the tub. Reaching out for her hand, he began to think over how to approach this situation.

 

They had discussed the Academy’s special punishments several times over the centuries. The Doctor had always wanted Missy to talk about it more and this was the first time, other than her slight slip up earlier, that he could recall her bringing up the subject. “Don’t do that” he said as he squeezed her hand and tried to ground her in reality “you know the drums aren’t there.” Missy’s face turned towards him and she blinked a few times, focusing on his eyes and nodding slowly. “You understand it better than me. The concept of it, that is. I understand the practicalities of it, you understand the theory of it. The intentions behind it, the damage it aims to do. The damage it does. The invasion. The humiliation” Missy’s voice cracked as she began to ramble and squeezed his hand back. The Doctor ran his thumb across her knuckles, “I know. I only began to understand when I left Gallifrey. Humans have a name for it and they consider it to be one of the worst things one person can do to another. A violation.” “Rape? That’s what the humans call it, isn’t it?” She asked, more for confirmation than anything else. He nodded, “yes, that’s right. Do you remember the other times we’ve spoken about this?” The Doctor asked, he genuinely didn’t know whether or not she ever remembered their previous discussions. Usually, she was in a bad way when they discussed it, sometimes she was under the influence of sedatives. “I remember bits of it. It’s all blurry when I’m like this and that’s the only time we ever discuss it” she confesses, with a half shrug. “It doesn’t have to be like that, Missy, we could talk about it anytime.” “Don’t promise things you can’t deliver, Doctor” “I do mean it. I’ve told you that before and I’ll tell you it again.” The Doctor said carefully, watching as Missy closed her eyes and began counting to four again.

 

“Shh, shh Kos, come on now don’t go back there, stay with me here” the Doctor said as he squeezed her hand and traced fingers along her forehead, relieved when she opened her eyes blearily and locked onto his “that’s it, well done” he praised reassuringly. Missy was starting to drift more, looking increasingly confused each time she looked at him. The Doctor was considering forming a mental connection to keep her anchored in reality. “Even if you are genuine when you say that, I don’t think I can talk about it when I’m not like this” she said, before adding, “it happened again this time. I thought I would be able to stop it, but I just froze. I also thought I would be able to understand it more this time but I just don’t. I don’t understand any of it and it hurts” letting go of his hand as she fully submerged herself in the bath water. 

 

The Doctor watched as Missy’s hair spread out in the water, he was growing more concerned about her increasing instability. He knew that the Academy’s special punishment was something that Missy had endured much longer than he had. For him, it only ever happened throughout the first and second years at the Academy. That was enough, though. For Missy, it had persisted throughout her academy years and well into her adult life. The Doctor only began to understand what the Academy had done when he arrived on Earth. Missy never spent much time with people that weren’t him or their people, she hadn’t had the chance to view it from an external perspective. The swish of the water pulled the Doctor out of his train of thought and he watched as Missy re-emerged. She seemed slightly more present. “It happened again when you went back to Gallifrey?” A nod, “every time I go back there. Isn’t it the same for you?” “I’m sorry, no.It hasn’t happened to me since we were at the Academy” he said solemnly. “Ah well, guess we’re not as similar as I like to think we are. Can you read the notes now. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” 

 

Opening his mouth to reassure her that what has happened to them isn’t what defines them, he decides against it, opting instead to take everything at her pace. “Sure. Do you want to stay in the bath?” Missy nods staring ahead absentmindedly, “I haven’t had a bath since my first day on Gallifrey. Well, it wasn’t really a bath. You know the part where they wash you down with a hose before you go to the cells.” The Doctor frowned for a moment, he had never experienced that on their home planet but didn’t have the heart to tell her that. “Well you can have as many baths as you like while you’re here. Let me just add a bit more hot water for you. It must be getting a bit cold now.” “Thanks. Can I use that flannel please?” She asked, motioning to the light pink cloth next to the taps. Passing the flannel to Missy, the Doctor averts his eyes to the papers as she starts to wash. They may be close, but the Doctor knows when to grant her some privacy. “Do you want me to wait for you outside?” He asked, cautious of how many violations she would have faced on Gallifrey. Missy seemed to ignore the question, continuing to scrub at her upper thigh with the flannel. She was making the inscription of Rassilon’s name start to bleed. “Did you hear me, Missy?” The Doctor tried again, carefully reaching out to her shoulder, realising that leaving her alone for any length of time right now was going to be a mistake but repeated his question anyway. She flinched slightly at his touch and turned to face him expectantly. “I was just asking if you wanted me to wait outside, give you some privacy?” She looked at him blankly for a moment and then around the room, appearing to take in her surroundings. “We’re in your Tardis?” she said after a minute or so, confirming to the Doctor he shouldn’t leave her alone. “We are. I’m just reading through the notes you made earlier while you enjoy your bath. Do you mind me staying in here while you bathe?” The Doctor asked carefully, not bothering to explain that they’d been here for the last few hours and he’d been asking her a question. Missy often forgot herself and her location when she was like this. It was another loss of control that, under normal circumstances, she would hate. It would confuse her and upset her more to bring it up right now. 

 

“You’ve seen it all before, anyway” she started, with a tone that was almost her normal jest, before adding “but please stay. I don’t want to be alone when I’m like this. Here one minute, gone the next. I’m drifting, aren’t I? I can’t trust anyone but you when I’m like this.” The lucidity of Missy’s comment surprised the Doctor but he was reassured that, for now at least, she knew what was best for herself. He didn’t want to think about her being alone or with someone else when she was like this. There were lots of people that would take full advantage of her in this state. “You are drifting, yes, but I’m pleased you realise you are. Yes, you can trust me completely.” He confirmed, watching to see if he would get a response or not. “Are you going to read those notes then? I can’t remember what I wrote in them so good luck trying to figure out what they mean” she said before returning to washing her arms with the flannel. 

 

The notes really didn’t make sense. For the most part, it was just Rassilon’s name repeated over and over. There was also sketches of what the Doctor presumed was Time War battles as well as a detailed escape plan. Presumably that one was from when she was trying the escape the Tardis. Sighing and putting the papers away, the Doctor returned to watching Missy. By now, she was near enough catatonic no longer bothering to wash at all instead just staring straight ahead. The Doctor began thinking about telling her it was time to get out when she started to mutter, holding her head in her hands, “no, no I’m not listening to you. Don’t do that. Just stop. Please get out.” He dreaded to think about what she was reliving but knew he had to get her to focus on him again, reaching out to her both mentally and physically “Missy, I don’t know where you think you are but you’re with me in the Tardis and I’m going to get you out of the bath now.” He carried on reassuring her as he helped ease her out of the bath and wrapped a large towel around her as she continued to mutter things that didn’t make sense. Feeling the bones underneath his fingers, he was reminded that he had to get her to eat something tonight. 

 

Looking back down at her eyes he found her looking up at him slightly confused, almost as though she was trying to anchor onto something real. “I’ve got you” he reassured. “Where was I?” she asked after a while looking around, clearly disorientated “you were here the whole time but I think you were having a flashback.” “I was” she answered quickly, still shaken by it. “Did you want to try and form a mental connection to try and limit the drifting?” Missy nodded. “Okay, I can’t promise it’ll work, I’m not as strong a telepath as you but we’ll try. Ready?” She nodded again and he nudged their foreheads together feeling her presence immediately and latching on to it. Has it worked? Yes, I can feel you. Okay, I’ll just be here to stop you drifting. “Okay, Missy, we’ll keep talking normally though?” he asked verbally, cautious of her becoming mute and retreating away from the physical realm, “Yes” she croaked. “Good, come on then. I’ve got some pyjamas you can borrow.” For the first time, Missy seemed aware that he had seen her completely naked. “You’ve seen the scars? she asked self-consciously, wrapping the towel tighter around her as they walked towards his bedroom. “I did. Most of them should heal relatively quickly. Who gave them to you? Don’t worry if you don’t want to tell me.” “I’m sorry you had to see them. It was Rassilon, mainly. After...well after that special punishment he would carve his name or something about me being diseased or whatever else. He said it was a reminder that I had made him resort to human measures because I was wired wrong. I never really paid attention to them at the time, I was too numb after it happened. It was always the times I was in solitary confinement that they played on my mind.” 

 

By the time she had finished her account, they had made it to his bedroom and were sat on his bed. The Doctor had scrunched his hand into a fist growing angrier as she recounted the details. Picking up on his anger through their mental connection, Missy had moved away from him, flinching slightly every time he moved. He could tell from the connection that she thought he was angry at her. I’m angry at him, not you he told her telepathically, making an effort to calm down before speaking. “You know that what he said isn’t true, don’t you? You’ve done some terrible things Missy, but you don’t deserve that kind of punishment. Rassilon did those things to you, you didn’t make him” The Doctor watched as she lied down on the bed, curling up on her side and wrapping the towel tightly around herself. Almost shutting down again. I’ve got pyjamas for you, come on I’ll help you into them. We’re going to have some food before we lay back down. You need to have a decent meal. The Doctor was met by a wave of nauseous feelings from her at the mention of food. “I’m not hungry. I can’t eat, it makes me feel sick” she told him. “Just something small, Missy, you look like you haven’t eaten since you left for Gallifrey. I know you won’t be able to stomach much, maybe some porridge or a bit of toast?” he suggested, helping her sit up as he pulled his nightshirt over her head watching as she adjusted it to cover her legs, the hem stopping just above her ankles.

 

In truth, the Doctor wasn’t sure what food he had in the cupboards. Usually, he would eat when he was out and about but there was no way he could take her outside of the Tardis. He knew that he had the essentials in so could probably follow through with his promise of porridge or toast. “Come on, let’s go and have a look at what I’ve got in. I haven’t had a proper meal in a while either, so I’ll be joining you. I’ll let you choose though” the Doctor told her as he watched her stand up and edge her way around the bed. That was another thing the Doctor noticed, and hated, about her behaviour when she was like this. She was so submissive, none of her usual stubbornness was there at all. Normally, if she didn’t want to eat, she wouldn’t listen to him at all and would have stayed right where she was. Now, despite saying she wasn’t hungry, she was following his instructions without argument. No doubt arguing back hadn’t ended well for her in prison. In time, she would be back to normal and he’d find her hard to tolerate but now it was awful seeing her so lost. 

 

Food, then. Not Gallifreyan food, human food. The Doctor felt her presence at the back of his mind. For a minute, he thought she was criticising him for his lack of cuisine from their home planet. Then he realised she didn’t want anything from their home at the moment. Brushing back against her presence to reassure her he was still there, he answered her verbally. This was what he was worried about when forming a mental connection, that she would retreat away from the physical realm. “Only human food, that’s right. Missy, speak aloud please otherwise I won’t keep the link open.” That was a lie, he would keep the link open, but he wasn’t going to tell her that. They’d started making their way to the kitchen when she spoke again. “Porridge” she said after a while, “a little bit of porridge on it’s own. I’ll try that. I think I like porridge.” Resting his hand on the small of her back, he guided her into the kitchen. “You liked porridge in one of your former incarnations, I seem to recall. Does your taste change each time too?” the Doctor spoke, making idle conversation. She nodded. “I have a few favourite things that stay the same throughout though.” He smiled at her, hoping to maintain the casualness of their conversation, “yeah, me too. I like bananas. What’s yours?” The Doctor felt a tug of happy nostalgia leave her presence and he smiled over at where she was now sat at the table. It was the first time that she had shown any kind of emotion other than distress since she’d been with him. “Cheese. I always like cheese but my favourite is the one from that tiny planet, Wynelza. You know the one I mean, the crumbly one? The cheese, not the planet.” Missy enthused, breaking into a genuine smile. “Oh yes, I remember it. I don’t have any of that cheese but I do have some cheddar in the fridge. Did you want me to make you some cheese on toast? Better than bland porridge” the Doctor laughed, keen to maintain her enthusiasm. 

 

Immediately, he regretted it, feeling the same nauseous feeling from earlier projected from Missy’s mind. Looking down at her, even more colour had drained from her face and her smile had gone. “I, no, I can’t, I’ll be sick. I said I wanted something small. You agreed to that.” She stammered as though the wind had been knocked out of her. For a minute, she looked terrified that he would force her to eat more than she could handle. I’m never going to force you to do anything he soothed her mind. “It was only a suggestion. I’ll make us both some porridge and, maybe when you’ve got a bit more of an appetite, you can have some cheese on toast” he reassured. “Not today, though?” She asked, eyes wide in concern. “No, not today” he reaffirmed, placing the box of porridge oats on the counter as though to prove it to her and retrieving two bowls from under the sink. The Doctor thought that once she started eating, she might gain more of an appetite but he wasn’t about to say that to her. In the back of his mind, he could feel her presence getting blurry again as it appeared to follow a stream of blackness. Missy, stay here he reached out via their connection Your mind’s playing tricks. “Tricks” she croaked verbally, as though it had been a real effort to actually speak. She probably remembered his earlier warning that he would withdraw the mental link. “that’s right, tricks” he confirmed, placing a bowl of porridge in front of her. “Time lords like mind tricks” she said, lifting up the spoon subconsciously stirring the oats around. “They do, but it’s over now” he finds himself falling short of promising her it’s over forever. It’s over for now, and that’ll have to do. 

 

The Doctor had finished his porridge quickly, realising how hungry he actually was. Missy, on the other hand, was still staring into the full bowl stirring the oats around. She had been whispering occasionally to herself as she pushed the food around “I did complete the blueprints, they’re with your advisors Lord President.” The Doctor looked her over, she’d been drifting again and he hadn’t noticed. “Missy” his voice was steady attempting to breakthrough to her. Missy’s eyes looked up at him and vacantly stared over his shoulder, “oh yes, I’m with you. This one, not those ones” she trailed off, voice still hoarse as she returned to playing with her food. “No, no don’t say that, I can trust this one. Stop talking” Missy continued whispering, digging her nails into the side of her head. The Doctor gave up trying to decipher what was going on in her mind. He placed his spoon back into his empty bowl slightly louder than necessary, hoping to attract her attention. It worked and she looked up at him. “I can see what you’re doing, Missy” he told her like a parent that had caught their child hiding broccoli under the mash. He chose to ignore the whispering, unsure she was aware she was talking. “When was the last time you had a meal?” She looked up at him, squinting her eyes as though she was trying to remember. “On that planet, with the plants when we had tea and cake. On Gallifrey, I just had supplement injections occasionally.” The Doctor nodded, as he pulled his chair around to her and took the spoon from her hand collecting the oats into a small spoonful. This wasn’t the first time he’d had to feed her and he knew she had done the same for him. Again, he wondered what his friends or UNIT would think of this if they wandered upon the scene. 

 

“That’s a long time, Kos. I know its hard to eat after such a long time. You need to try and eat some proper food now though. One spoonful at a time, hmm?” He said gently as he guided the first spoonful into her mouth, watching keenly as she swallowed the contents. He felt the familiar wave of sickness leave her presence but it was less intense than earlier and quickly gave way to a more pleasant feeling. Thank you he felt her grateful presence in the back of his mind and it didn’t seem like she was aware she had projected it. “Good?” he asked, as she nodded and he began to gather up a second spoonful, raising it up to her lips. Missy accepted the second spoonful more willingly, almost enthusiastically. That went on for about five spoonfuls until she raised her hands to him to stop. “No more, I feel sick” she said quietly, closing her eyes as she swallowed. The Doctor placed the spoon back in the bowl, noting that she had finished nearly half. He had only made her a small bowl and he was going to make sure she finished it all. “We’ll have a break. Then finish off the rest. It was only a small bowl, Missy” he told her, watching as she swallowed again and nodded. Again, any fight she may have previously had was gone. “Did you want some water?” “Yes, please.” 

 

The Doctor retrieved a small glass of water and placed it down in front of her, watching her take small sips. Her mind was unintentionally screaming out at him that this was too much pressure, it was too intense. She was hungry, it seemed, but having to focus just on the process of eating was too much. She knew she wasn’t in control and the idea that she would lose even more control by vomiting in front of him was terrifying her. Picking up on her fears, he took the initiative to try and distract her from the process of eating, attempting to make idle conversation instead. “I nearly killed Caesar a few weeks back” he says, watching her eyes meet his with a gleaming curiosity. “It was an accident, I’m sure” she whispered, voice breaking slightly. “Complete accident. I had been aiming for 51st century Earth and stumbled into Ancient Rome instead. Anyway, I lost control of my Tardis and it nearly landed on his chariot. Turns out, I prevented one of the earlier attempts on his life and he invited me back to his for dinner.” The Doctor completed his story with a shrug of his shoulder and made to pick up another spoonful of porridge. Missy laughed, “it’s a wonder that you don’t cause timelines to disintegrate the trouble you get into. All unintentional, too! Do you know the efforts I go to with my plans?” she spoke in a voice that still wasn’t quite her own with a quietness and hoarseness that seemed foreign. The Doctor chose to ignore her mention of her plans, focusing instead on keeping her distracted. “I know. Right, time to try another spoonful?” He asked as he drew the spoon towards her lips, waiting for her response. She nodded, opening her mouth and accepting several more spoonfuls. All the while, he kept discussion light recounting stories and encounters to keep her distracted. While she didn’t respond to him too much, she did appear to be listening, responding with a nod or a laugh in all the right places.

 

Eventually, after a strenuous effort on both their parts, the bowl was empty. “All gone, Missy, well done. How are you feeling?” Missy looked to the bowl and back to the Doctor, seeming a little relieved that it was finished. “Fine. It was nice, actually” she said, surprising them both. “But it was enough for now, you said I just had to have that bowl” she added as she started scratching her arms. The Doctor collected up both their bowls, placing them in the sink, noting her new apprehension. “Yes and you did really well to finish that. Do you want to go and lay down now?” Missy continued scratching at her arms, “with you?” He nodded, he’s got no intention of leaving her alone but she’s still terrified of the prospect. “I am a bit tired. I don’t think I’ll sleep, but rest. We can rest” she said staring straight ahead. 

 

“That’s fine” the Doctor said as he helped her out of the seat. “Do you think I’ll be better after some rest?” She asked as she looked up at the Doctor. He sighed. In truth, he didn’t know how long she would take to get better. It always varied and he didn’t want to make her promises he couldn’t keep. “I think you’ll be better soon. Maybe not straight away, though. We’ll just keep things nice and stable for a while. Like last time. If you do want to sleep, I can give you something to help.” He reassured as they walked to the bedroom. “I hate being like this” she whispered, “I know” he said as they made it into the room. “I don’t want any sedatives. It’s already too blurry” she said as she crawled under the covers, turning onto her side and facing the wall. The Doctor slid his shoes off and joined her under the covers. “Okay. It’s up to you. But if you have another manic episode in the next few days, you might have to have some” he explained. Missy nodded, closing her eyes. 

 

The Doctor felt her presence drifting on the brink of sleep but she was fighting against it. Go to sleep, Kos, I’m right here. Missy shuffled, turning to face him and letting out a confused whimper. Blue orbs were the only things that shone through the darkness. The Doctor watched as she appeared to attempt to talk, clearly still conscious of losing her link with him, after a few moments he heard her hoarse voice. “Time is strange. It doesn’t feel right” she said as she looked up at him with confused eyes. He sighed, he’d been expecting this. Too much had been going on before for her to notice, but now all she was focused on was sleep she couldn’t ignore it. The Time Lords always took great pleasure in distorting her perception of time. For many days, it left her unable to feel it passing like she normally could, but perceiving it in the same way as their human counterparts. “I know, Missy. I think the best thing you can do right now is close your eyes, let it pass and try to sleep. It will get back to normal, it always does” he soothed, rubbing her back lightly as she curled into him. “I don’t like it. It doesn’t feel right” she mumbled, struggling again for words. 

 

The Doctor continued rubbing her back, “it must be awful, hold my hand, it’ll help to stabilise you.” Missy grabbed his hand, opened her mouth to say something but couldn’t form words and whimpered instead. I know what I said about speaking verbally but while you’re trying to sleep its fine to just use telepathy. I won’t cut the link. Thank you, he felt her project back. That’s okay, now close your eyes and try to sleep. The Doctor continued to stroke her hair as he hummed a lullaby that he used to sing to his children on Gallifrey. After a few moments, he felt her breathing even out and her presence enter a state of sleep. The Doctor was surprised when Missy stayed asleep for ten minutes. A further ten minutes had passed and, apart from becoming slightly unsettled, she was still asleep. The Doctor, who wasn’t himself tired, left to retrieve a book. Upon returning, he found Missy sat bolt upright staring straight ahead. “I’m here. I was only gone for a second” he reassured striding into the bedroom, reaching out with his mind and quickly realising she was still half asleep. Something must have woken her unexpectedly. “I feel sick” she muttered “the porridge, it was too muc-” Missy was cut off as she retched the contents of her stomach. That would be what had woken her. The Doctor instinctively jumped back to avoid the sick before quickly rushing to help her. “Okay, come on let’s get you to the bathroom” he said soothingly as he helped her step over the undigested oats and thanked the Tardis for moving the bathroom closer to them. As soon as they made it into the bathroom, Missy bolted for the toilet and the Doctor cringed as he watched her empty the contents of her stomach. Tentatively, he placed his hand on her back and rubbed small circles. He felt Missy recoil from his touch, don’t touch me. Please, just don’t her mind pushed against him before she was quickly taken over by another wave of sickness. He quickly retracted his hand I’m sorry. I’m going to just sort out the bedroom. Is that alright? He felt Missy send back as much of an affirmative as she could muster as she placed her forehead on the toilet seat. 

 

When the Doctor returned, he found her half asleep. He suspected the sickness was a combination of her body adjusting to proper food again and the impact that messing with her perception of time was having on her physically. Kos, you can’t fall to sleep there. Let’s go back to the bed. I’ve got a bowl in case you feel sick again. He watched as she started to gradually pull herself up, limbs visibly shaking as she held onto the edge of the sink. reaching out to her, the Doctor relaxed as she accepted his help hesitantly. The Doctor watched as Missy’s eyes darted around the bathroom and she failed to make eye contact with him. Whatever world she was in at the moment, she wasn’t present with him. “Missy, you’re with me remember? Do you feel a bit better?” She nodded meekly, “I’m sorry, I was sick. I tried to make it to the bathroom but you were gone” she whispered, grounding herself slightly, but still avoiding his eyes. “It’s okay, no harm done. Let’s go back to bed then. I think you’re still quite tired, hmm?” He said as he carefully cupped her cheek, feeling her sink into his touch. “I woke up because I felt sick, but as soon as I woke up I forgot about that. I thought I was on Gallifrey. I was alone and I could sense another Time Lord and when I heard you coming back in I thought you were Rassilon and I just froze again. I thought it was all going to happen all over again- the torture and the other stuff” Missy confessed raising her hand to grip the Doctor’s. “I’m sorry you felt so scared. I didn’t mean to leave you alone. You seemed settled, I thought I had time to go and grab a book” the Doctor spoke as calmly as possible. “I, I’m not saying it to make you feel bad. You’re doing too much for me. I just needed to explain why I was so tetchy. I’m not feeling myself right now. It’s all feeling blurry like I’m on the edge again and time is still funny. I know it’s because of what they did, one of their methods, I know that now but I don’t always know that. I forget it and it’ll just be confusing. But at the moment, I know mostly what is happening. I just needed to explain that to you.” Missy stated. For a moment, the Doctor was surprised with her moment of clarity and then he felt sorry for her obvious confusion. Somehow it was worse when she realised how disorientated she was. “I know that. We’ve been here before and you’ll get better again” he said gently. Missy started to become jittery again and the Doctor saw her starting to shake. Come on now, you’re okay. Blue eyes shot up at him, wide and alert as beads of sweat dotted across her forehead. “Can I go back to bed now please.” The Doctor nodded, wiping the sweat away and helping her back into bed. “I feel like I’m trapped in here” she begun to mutter, settling back under the covers “In the Tardis?” He asked, settling next to her and weighing up the pros and cons of venturing outside with her. “Once you’ve had a bit more of a rest, we can go out to the botanical gardens. I don’t think you’ve been here since I installed them. I know you like gardens” the Doctor offered, rubbing small circles in her back. “No, not the Tardis, I feel trapped in my body. There’s nothing I can do about it. I just want to leave my head, it hurts too much. But death’s not an option because I keep coming back and it’s all still there and I’m suffocating. Again and again and again” Missy sobbed as she scrunched up, burying her head against her knees. 

 

The Doctor knew there was nothing he could say, she had always complained of this and it had only got worse as she got older. He often found himself worrying what she did when she felt like this and wasn’t with him. There would be no one else she would trust enough and her mind would be playing tricks on her while she was alone. Deep down, he secretly fears that a few of her regenerations have been the results of suicide. Back in their Academy days there had had a particularly dark episode where she had taken off halfway through the school day, spent the afternoon wandering aimlessly around Gallifrey’s fields and retreated into her room for two weeks. When the young Theta finally got her to open the door, he couldn’t believe the sight. The curtains were closed and clearly hadn’t been opened in weeks, papers and rubbish scattered the floor and Koschei clearly hadn’t washed, slept or eaten properly in weeks. The Doctor remembered how she had crumpled to the floor complaining over and over that she didn’t want to be there, she just wanted to disappear, to not exist. He had led her to the bathroom, washed her and held her until she fell asleep. He’d cried when he saw her bloodied body, all cut up by her own hand and he feared that she had come very close to suicide. The Doctor had made quick work of cleaning her room and hiding all objects that she could use to harm herself. All he had wanted to do was wrap her up and never let her out of his sight. When she woke up, for the first few days all she kept repeating was that her mind hurt and the thoughts were too loud. She was trapped and there was no escape. There never would be. Gradually, she improved but she was always terrified of relapsing and never wanting things to be that awful again. Of course, there had been times when things had become that bad, and possibly even worse, again. Now, as she lay sobbing next to him, looked like it was going to be one of those times. 

 

“I wish I could take it away, Missy” he soothed, rubbing her back. “Why don’t you sit up and we can talk about this logically, hmm? I promise I’ll do the listening, you love a monologue” he suggested, relieved when she started to uncurl and look up at him but didn’t say anything and held her head in her hands. The Doctor had had low moods himself and knew that speaking out loud about what was bothering him had helped. Though he also knew how hard it was to start talking. “Remember what we said before? You need to let the thoughts out otherwise they’ll drive you crazy” the Doctor told her, inwardly cringing at his poor choice of word. “I didn’t mean it like that” he said quietly, watching as she lifted her head and nodded. “I should have forced myself back to sleep as soon as we got back but I let the thoughts sink their claws in and now I can’t stop thinking, thinking, thinking.” She told him, reminding him too much of the child who had complained that their mind was hurting them all those years ago. “You can try and sleep after we’ve spoken, I think you’ll find it easier to settle” he encouraged watching as her eyes nervously darted across his features, her trust in him remained damaged from their first encounter in these bodies. He wished he could change that. “You can trust me. I know this isn’t the most accepting version of me but I’m still me. We’re not playing any of our games now, I wouldn’t ever use this against you.” Missy nodded, tears beginning to fall slowly at first but then streaming freely. Its so scary. I don’t like being like this, it hurts the Doctor felt her presence pushing against his as she tried to compose herself. I know it is terrifying but we’re going to sit right here together until you feel more stable, there is nothing in the universe more important right now. He pressed back, raising his eyebrows with sincerity. He was cautious of making sure his presence was only slightly in her mind; not wanting to confuse her chaotic thoughts by fully immersing himself in her mind. “I will mess it up, not you. I’ll do something that will make you hate me again” she confessed, eyes fixing on a point over his shoulder in the corner of the room. “We’re focusing on the here and now, Missy” the Doctor said steadily “but for what it’s worth, I will never hate you. I’ve told you before that I hate your actions not you. I will always mean that.” The Doctor watched as Missy risked looking at him, blinking a few times and attempting a small smile that looked draining beyond possibility. For a minute, she looked as though she was going to say something but settled on nodding at him. Several more minutes passed and they sat in silence. The Doctor watched Missy, seeing her face turn solemn every so often and creasing her forehead as though whatever she was thinking was physically hurting her. “Tell me what you’re thinking” he requested gently. “The things that happened and continue to happen on Gallifrey hurt me but that’s not what makes me feel like this. Feeling like this is different, it makes me feel so helpless like I’m never going to feel anything different ever again. It’s so exhausting trying to talk and trying to explain how I feel and it all feels so pointless in the end. There’s an ache in the pit of my stomach and for a split second I think that if I say it out loud or if I did something different, it would fix everything but then the nagging feeling comes back and it starts small but it takes over and its everywhere all at once again. I like to make sense of things and I don’t like not being able to make sense of this. That’s stupid, isn’t it? It doesn’t make sense” Missy trailed off looking thoroughly exhausted as she looked at the Doctor. “It’s not stupid at all if it’s how you feel” he started looking over at her and considering how to phrase his next question. “Missy, only answer this if you can, but before I met you on that beach earlier had you hurt yourself at all?” The Doctor watched her eyes widen and he felt her presence panicking at the intensity of his question. It was all the confirmation he really needed, but was surprised when she nodded as well and confirmed his suspicions. “I’m not angry at you so please don’t think that. I just wanted to know because I want to help you. I don’t want you to feel that you have to do that” he said carefully, watching her eyes dart around again and her presence give off an ashamed aura. “When I cut myself, it gives me a physical pain to focus on. The blood is so pretty when it runs down my skin. I can deal with physical pain better than this” she confessed motioning to her head as she moved closer to him, nestling herself into his side and pressing a hand against his double heartbeat. “I like being near you. Is this okay?” The Doctor looked down at her, fearing for a moment as he followed her hand that she was going to return to the drumming but relieved when she settled a bit. “Of course it’s okay. We’ve worked on other ways together of dealing with when you feel like this Missy. You know, mental illness is a real sickness. Even humans are starting to realise it. It doesn’t feel like it now, but you will get better. Do you want to carry on talking?” The Doctor asked, running a hand through her hair and feeling her nod against his chest. “If that’s okay. I just need a bit of time to just try and think” she whispered and the Doctor nodded smiling encouragingly as he traced his fingers over her forehead. He noticed that she seemed to relax into that touch, her face not appearing as tense or pained under it. When Missy remained quiet for a while, he wondered if she had gone back to sleep. Her presence was a bit blurry and he couldn’t tell whether it was sleep or just her current mental state. “Are you okay, Kos?” He asked into the darkness. “Yes. I am but I don’t know what to say to you. Can you ask me questions so I can focus please? All the thoughts are swirling. I don’t know how to start” Missy spoke,shuffling uncomfortably in his arms and trying to keep her voice steady. “Okay. That’s a good idea. Earlier, you said that you felt everything was pointless. Why do you think that?” The Doctor asked, stroking her forehead gently. “I can’t control it. Do you remember when we looked into the schism and we saw all of the universe. Everything there ever was, everything there would ever be and none of it really matters. It’s just there and it doesn’t make sense. Sometimes I think about all the beings in the universe and how ultimately, they are all hurting. There’s no reason for any of this. It all happens, and then there’s nothing. Can’t you hear everyone screaming inside your head?” Missy whispered, digging her nails harshly into her palms and closing her eyes. The Doctor shook his head, taking her hands that had started to bleed “please don’t do that. You don’t need to hurt yourself, look at me.” He said calmly, watching as she blinked a few times and refocused. 

 

The Doctor hated seeing her so helpless. “Are you hearing lots of things in your head at the moment?” He asked carefully, still holding her hands and feeling them tremble. “Everything. It’s so loud. Everything is in there” she muttered back, eyes wide as though begging for help. “Okay, I think what we need to do is get you back on that medication that helped before. Yes?” The Doctor had been considering resorting to the medication again, and after the evening’s events, it seemed that was going to be the only way to stabilise her. It wasn’t a quick fix and the medication took a lot of balancing but would ease the thoughts that were coursing through her. He wouldn’t give her anything without her consent but really did think this was in her best interest. “Do you still have the same medication as before?” Missy asked, forehead creasing as she tried to take it all in. “I’ll need to make some more up, but in the meantime I will give you a sedative. Your mind can’t be trusted and I can’t leave you alone like this. So, you take the sedative and I’ll prepare your new meds” the Doctor informed her, watching as she processed what he was saying. “The sedative will put me to sleep and I’ll be able to rest for a little while?” She asked, looking up at him. “That’s right” he nodded, smiling reassuringly as he brushed a stray curl away from her face. He wanted to encourage her as much as possible that taking medication would help her. “I’m so tired, I’ll be able to stop thinking for a while” she continued, wistfully, before adding “I just wish it would end. All of it. It hurts to exist” she was starting to ramble and he was sure it was her exhaustion making her mind worse. “Missy, let me look after you now, try not to get stuck in the repetitive thoughts, okay? I know it’s hard, but you can do it. I’ve got the sedative here” the Doctor told her as he pulled a tablet out of his bedside cabinet. “You take this when you’re ready and I’ll lay with you until you fall asleep. Then while you’re sleeping, I’ll go and get your other medication sorted.” Missy looked up at him, brows knitted together as though she was considering what he was saying.The Doctor couldn’t be certain she was comprehending what was happening and, as far as possible, he wanted to help her understand. “Missy” he repeated steadily, taking her hands, “I want you to understand as best you can what is going on, okay?” The Doctor smiled as she nodded. “Okay, good. So you know when you take this it’s going to make you fall to sleep and you will feel drowsy when you wake up.” The Doctor hated speaking to her like this but knew it was best to keep things simple and calm. “I know” Missy whispered, “if you’re not here when I wake up, what shall I do?” She asked as she took the tablet from him and placed it in her palm, eying the tiny white capsule. “I will either be right here or next door. The mental link will still be there so I’ll feel when you wake up. If I’m not here when you wake up, I’ll be here very soon so just stay here. Okay?” The sedatives were strong and he knew if she did wake up before he got there, she would be unlikely to get very far without him. Missy nodded and he handed her a glass of water, watching her swallow the pill. “Well done, now come on lay down with me” he spoke gently as he pulled her down and they laid together facing each other. The Doctor watched as Missy blinked, each blink growing longer until she could no longer keep her eyes open and her breathing evened out. 

 

As the Doctor was about to sit up, Missy’s eyes snapped back open, “you’re not going to put me in a hospital, are you?” She slurred, grabbing sloppily at the front of his shirt. The Doctor sat back down stroking her forehead and freeing himself from her grip. The sedative had made her weaker and her limbs were floppy, lacking their usual strength. “Shh, shh” he cooed, watching as her eyes remained fixed on him. There was a vacant expression as the medication took effect, but he could tell she was still worried about being hospitalised. The Doctor had only ever threatened to hospitalise her once, about two years ago when he had found her bleeding heavily from cuts to her arm. When he tried to help her, she turned the blade on him and became hysterical. He had been desperate, not knowing what to do, but when he checked her into a hospital, things got worse. The hospital knew of her crimes and treated her horrifically. It was more like a prison and the two days she spent there set back her recovery by months. Clearly, the impact had been significant as she lay resisting the effects of the sedatives to ensure she wouldn’t be forced back there. “No, never, Missy. I told you, you’re staying with me” he reassured running a thumb across her temples. “I didn’ts s’like the hospital” she slurred, staring up at him unblinking attempting and failing to sit back up. Restraining her firmly, but attempting to limit her distress he spoke softly “I know and that’s why you’re resting with me until you’re better. I made a mistake sending you to hospital, I won’t ever do it again.” Missy squirmed against him, whimpering slightly as she opened her mouth to talk but couldn’t formulate words. “Missy, you need to close your eyes now and sleep. If you fight the sedative, you’ll feel worse” he said softly, combing fingers through her hair and relaxing slightly as he watched her close her eyes. She looked exhausted. “I am s’tired, it’s empty sleep, s’nice s’and empty and I s’can sleep for while” she trailed off, returning to a deep slumber as the medication took it’s full effect. “That’s right, good girl, a nice long sleep” he reassured, though doubted she heard. The Doctor waited a few minutes, checking she was definitely out of it and then walked to the adjacent room to start prepping the meds. 

 

In the room, there was a cabinet that contained all of Missy’s medication and records of previous episodes. Last time, it had taken balancing out sedatives and stimulaters to re-balance her moods. At first, the side effects had been bad but after about ten days she had started to improve. He set about making up the old medicine, resigning himself to the fact that he might have to tweak it as and when, depending on her reaction to it. In the back of his mind, he could feel her presence was in a deep sleep. She was in a dreamless state and he couldn’t help but be happy about that- she needed a proper rest to re-cooperate. Once the medication was made up, he retrieved her records and went and sat at the desk next to where she was sleeping. There, he was able to make a schedule that she needed to function when she was like this. If he didn’t, she would lay motionless for hours or go on self destructive manic benders. She needed routine. It consisted of regular meals, activities and structure. He would, for the first few weeks at least, be with her at every stage and would talk her through the structure, asking for her help if she felt able. It had been about five hours when he started to feel Missy stir. Leaving his desk, he went and sat on the edge of the bed watching as Missy opened her eyes. She was clearly disorientated, eyes puffy and she looked to be suffering from some of the side effects of the sedative- headaches, dizziness. Everything about her was subdued, another effect of the drug. The Doctor watched as she struggled to pull herself into a seated position. Her limbs were still weak and she lacked the strength. It made her movements clumsy and sloppy. He hoped that she realised where she was and didn’t think she was on Gallifrey, as she had done earlier. “I’m here, Missy” he spoke gently, running a thumb across her hand as he eased her into a sitting position. “Doctor?” She croaked, voice still heavy with sleep and slurring slightly. “That’s right. How are you feeling?” He asked, watching as she started to remember everything. “I had a sedative. It all still feels a bit strange. Nothing feels real.” The Doctor tried to smile at her reassuringly as he saw her trying to connect the dots and start to panic slightly. “That’s right, you did have a sedative and that’s why you’ll be feeling all strange. It’ll feel a bit funny for a while” he said, squeezing her hands as he watched her start to drift again. “Yes, a bit funny for a while. A little bit funny. I don’t know what sane feels like anymore anyway.” The Doctor stifled a laugh at her comment- wasn’t that true for the pair of them? Sanity was overrated anyway. “Do you feel better for sleeping, Missy?” He asked, watching her eyes re-focus on him. “A little bit. But I don’t feel like I’m feeling anything properly. It’s all numbed.” The Doctor sighed, “I know. That’ll be the medicine, but it’s better than you feeling all those horrible feelings, isn’t it?” Missy blinked a few times, nodding eventually “I think so, yes. My head hurts a bit.” One thing the Doctor had noticed about the medication was that it made Missy more honest. If she had had a headache in the past, no matter how bad, she wouldn’t have told him. “That’ll be another side effect. When you get used to your medication, it’ll ease off” he explained, watching as she closed her eyes and rested her head against the headboard. She was still drowsy, by the looks of things.

 

“Are you still tired, Missy?” the Doctor asked softly, watching her blink her eyes open, unable to focus on anything in particular. “No, just don’t really feel like I’m here. It feels like I’m floating and the room is spinning but I know it’ll just be the after effects of the medication.” The Doctor nodded, smiling at her encouragingly “that’s right. Why don’t we get you out of bed and go and have a little walk? You were asleep for a few hours and we’ve been cooped up in this room for even longer. We could both do with a little bit of fresh air.” The Doctor watched as Missy shirked away from him, suddenly apprehensive of having to leave the four walls of his bedroom. Whenever she was like this she became very withdrawn and rarely ventured outside. If he left it to her, she would stay in bed for hours. “I, yes, okay but not outside of the Tardis?” She questioned, eyes scrutinising his face. The Doctor agreed with her on that part, there was no way she was well enough to leave the Tardis or be around anyone else. He was thinking of taking her out to the garden, where he had a patio and table and chairs; they could probably have some tea and maybe something to eat. The weather was always bright, but not too warm in the garden and it would be a calm way of getting Missy out in the open. Hopefully, he could talk over the schedule he had made with her and the effects of the medication would start to wear off. “No, not outside the Tardis but in the garden. We can have a cup of tea and maybe a little food?” The Doctor suggested, unsure of how she would react to the idea of eating again but part of her recovery would involve regular meals and she had thrown up most of what she had eaten earlier. Eating would limit the impact of the medication as well. Missy nodded at him, “tea would be nice. Can I get dressed first?” She asked pushing back the covers slowly. “Yes, I have some of your clothes here in your cupboard. Are leggings and this shirt okay?” He asked, lifting up some black cotton leggings and a light blue shirt making his way over to help her change into them once he saw her nod. Once she was dressed, the Doctor helped Missy stand up. She was slow and uneasy on her feet, clinging to him as a dizzy spell took over and she paled further. For a minute, he feared that she was about to be sick again. “Are you okay?” He asked, steadying her as he felt her shaking slightly under his arms. “Just a little bit dizzy. Let’s walk slowly, hopefully the side effects will wear off soon.” 

 

They walked down the corridor in silence for a while, Missy still seemed subdued and was jumping at every sudden noise. At the latest creaking of the Tardis, which was slightly louder than earlier noises, she practically jumped out of her skin. “Shh, you’re okay Missy. It’s just the sounds of the Tardis. She’s an old girl now.” He consoled, rubbing Missy’s arm and feeling her relax slightly. The Doctor found himself mentally telling the Tardis to quieten down, so Missy would feel more at ease. “Just the Tardis” he heard Missy parrot after him, in a world of her own. “Can we just stop a minute, I feel a bit dizzy again and a little bit sick” she stated after a few more steps and the Doctor held her steady as she swayed and dry heaved. He knew she wouldn’t be sick as there was nothing in her stomach left to bring up. “Better?” He asked, watching her straighten up slightly and nod. “Good, come on let’s go and settle in the garden. I’ve installed some new bots that can sort the refreshments out.” Missy nodded, walking in step with him and sighing with relief when they reached the patio. 

 

Once outside, the Doctor eased Missy into her seat in the garden and took his own seat opposite her once he had sent the bots off for some tea and cake. He watched as she closed her eyes and let the sun warm her face. “The sedatives won’t always be that bad, they’ll get better over their course” The Doctor explained, though he knew Missy was well aware of that fact. “Everything always seems worse at first” she replied, opening her eyes but still seeming lost in another world. “It was nice not to think for a while. I didn’t even dream while I was asleep. It was like I didn’t exist for a while. It was nice.” The Doctor worried over her continued desire to not exist, but was reassured that she had been able to have a rest with the help of the medication. “I’m glad you feel rested, Missy” he smiled, trying to catch her puffy eyes. “You’ve been too kind to me. How can you be so kind after everything?” Missy asked him, it was so out of character, yet deep down, the Doctor knew it wasn’t really. She was insecure and desperately lonely. “We’ve lived a long time Missy, we’ve both done things we’re not proud of. I can’t condone your actions, but you will always be my friend above all else. Anyway, you’ve helped me in the past so now it’s my turn to help you.” Missy nodded distractedly, zoning out again. The Doctor sat quietly watching her, deciding that she didn’t seem to be overly distressed and it was best to leave her to lead the conversation. He did wonder, however, if she was trying to level out the sedatives in her system. She’d tried that last time, but of course the dose was measured out perfectly for Time Lord biology and she wouldn’t be able to even it out. He didn’t think she was doing it deliberately, it was a natural reaction of their bodies. Still, if she relaxed a bit more and let the medication take its natural course, she’d feel more comfortable. As the Doctor was thinking, the bots arrived back with a tray of tea and carrot cake, along with some rich tea biscuits. “Here is everything you requested, Doctor” one of the bots stated while the other laid out all the food. The Doctor nodded his thanks while Missy eyed the plates being laid out. She still looked incredibly spaced out and her reactions were slow. The Doctor didn’t want to confuse her but did want to ensure that this was a side effect of the medication and not her drifting too much again. “Missy, are you with me still?” He asked cautiously, watching her hooded eyes look over at him. “Yes, I am” she replied, drowsily as she sloppily reached out for the tea pot knocking the pot slightly and jumping at the sudden sound. “Let me get your tea, Missy. Don’t worry about that noise it was just the tea pot.” Missy nodded, returning both hands to her lap. The Doctor poured the tea and placed it securely in her hands before pouring his own cup. She was still so jumpy and would have to get a lot more used to sounds again. “You still seem very distant. Is it just the meds or are you drifting again?” He asked, reaching for a biscuit and offering the plate to her; pleasantly surprised when she accepted and started nibbling at the edge. “I think it’s mainly the meds because I know I’m in a garden in the Tardis with you, I’m not thinking about Gallifrey and it all just feels numb.I can’t really hold onto a thought at the moment. It starts and then trails off before I find the end.” She answered, placing the half eaten biscuit down and shakily taking a sip of her tea. “I’m scared for when the thoughts come back. When it doesn’t feel like this anymore but at the same time I don’t like feeling like this. It’s confusing. I’m confused” Missy broke off, stifling a sob as she put down the cup. The Doctor quickly put down his own tea and went around to her side, taking her hand. “Missy, look at me, if you want to cry that’s okay. You don’t need to hide it all inside. We’e going to try and get on top of your emotions so they’re not so wild, okay?” Missy burrowed her head against his shoulder crying a little while the Doctor rubbed her back. She had been doing quite well outside, but he was starting to worry now that it had been too much too soon. “ Do you want to go back inside?” He asked once she looked back up at him. “No, I like it out here. Can you come and sit next to me though?” The Doctor smiled, nodding at her innocent request. Once he was sat by her side, the Doctor glanced at Missy’s half eaten biscuit. “Do you want anything more to eat?” He asked softly, following her eyes to the edge of the patio. Missy shook her head, “maybe in a bit. It’s still a bit too hazy.” The Doctor nodded. “Okay, but once we get your meds in order, regular meals are going to be a big part of your recovery, okay?” Missy nodded, seemingly lacking the energy to protest.

 

After a few minutes in silence, the Doctor heard Missy whimper slightly and reach for his hand. He suspected some of the darker thoughts were returning as the medication started to wear off, he squeezed her hand obligingly “I’m here.” Missy turned to face him, eyes narrowing in on his face. “I was bad enough for sedatives earlier?” She asked, scanning his face. “What did I do?” It dawned on the Doctor that she was confused about how they had gotten to this point, she couldn’t remember her actions and that lack of control had always scared her. “Missy, do you remember what was happening before you went to sleep?” Missy shook her head, scrunching her face up “I’ve been trying to remember. Did I get manic again?” She asked hesitantly, clearly fretting over her inability to recall her actions. The Doctor ran his thumb over her knuckles, “you weren’t manic, sweetheart. You were when you first came onto the Tardis, do you remember?” Missy nodded and the Doctor continued, “but you’d calmed down. Just before I gave you the sedative, we agreed that you needed to go on medication to stabilise your moods. So I gave you a sedative so you could sleep while I prepped your meds. Do you remember?” Missy blinked a few times, “I think so. I was hearing everything in my head and I couldn’t get back to sleep.” “That’s right” the Doctor smiled. “Did you get the medication sorted?” Missy asked, reaching for a tea cup and taking another sip. “I did. It’ll be trial and error again, so you might feel a bit off for a while until we get everything balanced out.” Missy nodded, frowning into her now empty cup. “Yes, okay. I don’t remember where my Tardis is” she said, out of the blue. “That’s okay, you’ll be staying with me for a while. I’ll help you find it when you’re a bit better.” The Doctor watched as Missy’s attention was drawn to something in the corner of the garden and she visibly shook. “I’m tired” she said after a few minutes, “can we go inside?” The Doctor nodded, “of course we can, but we’re not going to go back to bed just yet sweetheart” he explained, knowing that was what she wanted- to lock herself away from the rest of the world. “I’d like you to try and stay up for a bit longer. We can watch a film or have a game of cards maybe, you can choose” the Doctor suggested, keen to keep her up for a few more hours. She had to get used to being up and about sooner rather than later. “No, no please. I’m too tired. I can’t do this, I need to not exist” she pleaded, eyes welling up in a desperate attempt to convince him. “You’re not tired, sweetheart, you’ll just lie there and end up feeling worse. Let’s go and watch a film together, eh?” He suggested gently helping her up from her chair. She was still a bit dizzy from the meds and the Doctor had to hold her steady to stop her falling back down. “I’m going to be sick” she muttered before doubling over and ridding her stomach of the rich tea biscuit from earlier. The Doctor tried to hold her up but she sunk to her knees in tears. “Okay, you’re okay” he soothed as he knelt down with her “just a little bit sick. It’s only the medication, the side effects we were talking about, remember?” The Doctor continued, watching helplessly as Missy curled in on herself. “No, no, no. I can’t do this. Please, please please” she rambled growing hysterical. The Doctor ran a hand down her back, feeling her tense. “What do you want me to do, sweetheart? What can I do to help?” “I don’t want to be here. I want to be dead. I’m so tired Doctor” she cried, shaking violently. “Shh, Missy, come on now. You’re not well. Let’s go back inside and have a sit down” he tried again, attempting to ease her up. Missy resisted, becoming a dead weight “no, no. It’s too much. I’m scared, it hurts” she continued to mumble growing more and more incoherent. The Doctor tightened his grip on her shoulders and used his strength to pull her up, holding her tight against his side as they walked inside. “We’re going inside now Missy. We’re going to go in and sit down. Do you still feel sick?” He asked, pushing a strand of hair off her forehead. Missy shook her head, “I’m... no...no. It’s fine. Sit down inside?” She mumbled, trying to form a sentence. “Yes, we’ll go and have a sit down together” the Doctor confirmed, he found it easier to take choice out of her hand when she was she was this hysterical. “Sit down with you?” She asked, leaning into him. “Yes with me, that’s right. Are you okay?” He asked feeling her slow a bit. “I feel a bit dizzy, it’s spinning, you’re spinning” she muttered resting her head against his shoulder. “Okay, let me help you. I’m going to pick you up” the Doctor said, lifting her up bridal style and letting her rest her head in the crook of his neck. Looking down at her, her eyes were wide open and staring at him. “Better?” He asked as they made their way into the living room. “Mmm. It’s the medicine, isn’t it?” The Doctor nodded, “that’s right. We’ll get it balanced out” he said placing her on the sofa and sitting next to her. 

 

For a few moments, he watched as Missy looked around the room and fidgeted. She looked as though she was struggling to get a grasp on reality. “Doctor?” She asked weakly, “yes, Missy?” He asked gently watching her eyes narrow in on him. “My head hurts” she half cried curling in on herself “why does it hurt so much?” “Okay, sweetheart, I’m going to get you a glass of water, keep you hydrated. It’s the medication, remember?” He said, making his way to the kitchen . “Mmm” she murmured, “the light. It’s too bright please, please.” The Doctor sighed, watching as she began to cry in pain, maybe he was being unfair in making her stay up. She clearly wasn’t well. “I’ll turn the light out” the Doctor said quietly as he made his way back to the sofa with a glass of water. “Here we go, have a sip of this, Missy” he said lifting her head and holding the glass to her mouth watching her take a sip. “Good girl, better?” He asked, tracing her forehead with his fingers. She nodded. “Okay, we’ll just make sure that you keep hydrated” the Doctor said, watching her eyes dart across the room and her visibly shake. “Missy, are you okay?” He asked, watching her grow more agitated. “There’s something in here” she said quietly, scrunching up smaller. “In where?” the Doctor asked confused at her sudden nervousness. “In this room. It’s all around” she muttered “it’s closing in and I can’t breath.” The Doctor took her hands, squeezing them tightly, “there’s nothing here apart from me and you Missy, I promise you. “Can’t you see it?” She cried, “I feel like I’m suffocating” she began clawing at her shirt, “please, please just make it stop” she begged. “Missy, look at me sweetheart, you’re having a panic attack. Can you take a nice deep breath for me?” The Doctor asked, cottoning on to what was happening and watching helplessly as Missy’s face became red and tears streamed down her cheeks. “Come on now, a nice deep breath, in and out, in and out” he guided watching her slowly follow his instructions. Eventually her breathing evened out, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry” she sobbed holding her head in her hands. 

 

“Oh Missy, it’s okay. You don’t need to apologise for this, you’ve had a rough few days. Do you want to lay with me here?” The Doctor asked, watching her lift her head and eye him cautiously. “I wish I could make it all end” she muttered. The Doctor sighed, remembering that he couldn’t give her too much choice when she was like this. It was easier to give her directions. “You don’t mean that. Come over here, sweetheart. Choose something we can watch together?” The Doctor tried again,watching her reluctantly edge closer to him. He lifted his arm and watched her settle in with him. Once he was happy she was settled, he turned on the screen, letting the light fill the room. “the Wizard of OZ” Missy muttered, eventually. “Can we watch the Wizard of OZ, please?” She repeated, resting her head against his chest. “Good choice, sweetheart, I’ll get it up now” the Doctor said selecting the film and running a hand through her hair. “I like this film. It’s one of my favourite ones." The Doctor nodded, "mine too. Let's all enjoy it together."

 

"Thank you, Doctor. "

 

"That's okay"

 

"I mean for everything...for giving me a safe home."

 

"Thank you for exactly the same thing."


End file.
